Sunday, March 14, 2010

sunday experience

One of my goals that I wrote for the new year was to be more active in church. I love the gospel. I love the meaning and direction it gives to my life. I love the happiness it brings to me. I love the freedom it gives me.

I however have not been attending at all this year... until today.

You see, this very strange thing happens to me every Sunday. It's like every time I wake up on Sunday every little insecurity I have ever had hits me with like, 10x the force it would on any other day. However, If i get ready for church it's like 100x worse and I end up lying in my bed crying because of how horrible i feel about myself. I change into and out of at least 5 outfits, feeling like every single one of them makes me look like I weigh 1,000lbs. I don't feel even remotely pretty enough to show my face anywhere - let alone church. So i end up huddling in my pajamas with a blanket wrapped around me on the couch hoping that no one comes over and sees the hideousness that is me.

This sort of thing isn't like me. Yes, I have my bad days where I'm not feeling as confident but never, ever, EVER to this extent. I can't even begin to describe how debilitating these thoughts are that I have on Sundays.


I miss church, I miss feeling the spirit and listening to the wonderful lessons and talks that are given. I know that satan tries to stop us from doing what we are supposed to do. So last night I decided that no matter how crappy I feel I am going to church.

And I did. I got ready this morning with the nagging sense in the back of my mind that I was too ugly to go. Too gross to be seen. I sat down on my bed before I left and prayed to Heavenly Father to give me the strength to go. The confidence to hold my head up high and and know that I am beautiful and loved and accepted. And to know that I belong at church.

I said my mantra on the drive to the ward house and while walking across the parking lot. When I got to the door I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and walked in.

Church was amazing. Never once did I have any feelings of inadequacy. I was filled with the spirit so many times throughout relief society, Sunday school and sacrament meetings. I felt good. I felt alive. And the best thing yet was that I was finally able to take the Sacrament. It's been close to a year since the last time I partook of the Sacrament. It's amazing how much I missed it.

This was such an amazing experience for me. One that truly testified of the power satan has. But even more so, the power that our Heavenly Father has to vanquish any fears that we may posses. He is all knowing and all powerful. And he loves us.