Monday, December 13, 2010

Letters #1

Dear Self,

Do you remember Thanksgiving and how glorious it was? Do you remember being able to eat and not feeling like you were going to die of pain afterward? Wasn't it wonderful?

Do you remember the pizza incident? Yeah, it was bad. Really bad. The pain was so bad that you were practically bed ridden  the entire night.

So why? Why do you keep doing it? Why do you keep eating things with gluten when you know what it will do to you? Do you want to feel like holes are being burned through your stomach repeatedly? Because that's exactly what will happen if you continue.

So please remember Thanksgiving dinner. Remember that it is possible and easy to eat gluten free with a little planning.

me and your tummy

Dear makers of this sweater,

If only I could make you understand how much I love and long for this sweater. Sadly, it cannot be mine since you do not make it in a plus size. Why is this? It is a very flattering style for bigger girls and I wouldn't think it'd be that much work to make it a size or two larger.

I mean come on, if you think skinny jeans flatter us (which they don't - trust me!) why not this sweater??


Dear cute boy,

You are cute but also frustrating.
I want to talk to you, I do, but not if I'm the only one carrying the conversation.
Next time, hows about you ask me some questions, deal?


Dear handsome/sexy/rakish man,

I like you.
Do you like me?
I honestly don't know sometimes.
Some days its yes. Some days no.
Right when I start to get you out of my head you do something to catch my attention again.
I'm so confused.


Dear California Screamin',

I thought you were going to kill me. But you didn't. Instead you let me over come my fears of roller coasters and allowed me to have an awesome time.

Thank you. Love you long time.


Dear Patrick,

I am muchos excited to start training classes with you tomorrow. I know you will love them and you will catch on quickly because you are a super smart puppy.

You are adorable, especially when you make that groaning sound when I rub your ears. And when you tilt your head to the side when you're trying to figure something out.

Silly little boy.


Dear video,

I find you ridiculously hilarious.


Dear Riley,

I adore you. You are such a good, sweet tempered little lady and I am so blessed to be your person.

Thank you for keeping me company when I'm sick. Thank you for the cuddles and sweet kisses. Thank you for being such a good pup pup.

But please stop sitting next to my bed at 4 AM staring at me. Its creepy.

Love you!


Dear sign,

I really wish you said "Tasty Wieners".


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It's my Birthday!!!

Today is my birthday. I am officially 25. I am a quarter of a century.

As many of you know I have been Freaking out (with a capitol F!) about turning 25.
Not necessarily because I think it’s old because it’s not.
I think it’s more the fact that I don’t feel like I am 25.
I feel so much younger, like I did right after high school and that just seems incongruous with being 25.
I also think it has to do with the fact that I haven’t accomplished very many of the goals I set out to achieve by this age. I admit that I feel like a failure sometimes because of this and I think that may be the biggest issue I’ve had with this birthday.

However, everything has changed the last couple of days.
I had my birthday party on Friday where I had originally planned on going to dinner at a restaurant with my friends. Seeing as how I am in my mid-twenties I thought it would be the correct adult thing to do.
But then, I decided that I didn’t really want to do that.
I wanted to do something fun, something I loved when I was younger.
I wanted a sleep over!
And that is what I did. It was awesome and so much fun!
I got to spend time with people I love and adore and I got to be me.

Then the following day I was talking to my neighbor who mentioned something that really struck a chord with me. She said that when she was 25 it was her best year ever.
Simple right?
But oh so eye opening.
It made me realize that I can make this year be “the best year ever” just by being me.
And accepting me. I don’t have to conform to what I think a 25 year old should do or not do.
There is no wrong or right other than doing what makes me feel good and happy.

So this year, my 25th, will be awesome
because I will make it so!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Terrilyn Folkman Grundvig

On September 10th my sister in law TerriLyn passed away after a long battle with cancer. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about 4 years ago and went into remission after about a year. In September of 2009 we learned that the cancer had come back and had spread to her bones and liver and that it was incurable. She went through many difficult treatments in order to keep it from progressing as quickly, always with the knowledge that the treatments would eventually stop working. In August she came back from a wonderful visit to Seattle where she grew up only to find out that the treatments weren't working anymore and the cancer's growth had accelerated to the point where there was no healthy liver tissue left. Being the fighter she is they opted for one more treatment, one more miracle. Sadly the treatment was too much for her body to handle and she was hospitalized with an infection. She stayed in the hospital for close to three weeks, being visited almost constantly by large groups of people whose lives she had touched just by being her.
 On Friday September 10, 2010 I received I received a call from my brother telling me to get to the hospital ASAP. I raced there to find that her kidneys were failing and that her time here on earth was coming to an end quickly. The day was long, full of waiting and tears. What I remember the most was the amount of love felt in the room by all those who surrounded her. By the love that was given in the prayers said by her father and my brother. I thought about how we, being imperfect beings, can show that much love and kindness to one person how must it feel to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father and Saviour? Even now my heart breaks at the thought of what all of radiating love must feel lie. And at that moment I was able to let TL go because I knew for all the love we possessed for her she was going to be enveloped in that a thousand times more at least.

After almost an entire day TL's vital signs were starting to stabilize and I decided to go home and do some much needed laundry before I came back later that night. Not too long after I got home (9:55 PM exactly) my niece Haley called me saying I needed to come now as fast as I could. I threw on whatever I could find and flew like the wind. I was almost there when Haley called again to say she was gone. I assured her I'd be there as soon as I could. My thoughts during that time were jumbled but the two I remember the most were 1. I am so glad I was able to say my goodbye's to her earlier and 2. I need to hurry and be there for my family. When I arrived and walked out of the elevator door I immediately found Haley and then Gabrielle and Ryan. We all embraced for a long time and I just kept trying to let them know how much their mother loved them and how she will always be with them. I then went to find my brother who assured me that she went peacefully. I was so relieved and comforted by the fact that she was finally at peace and no longer in pain. Most of all, that she was with her Father in Heaven.

Through this entire ordeal I came to the realization of how truly exceptional TL was. She has hundreds if not thousands of people who love her, adore her because of her loving and accepting nature and zest for all that life had to offer. She touched so many lives and those people have in turn touched me. Thank you to everyone who was there for her whether in person or in spirit. To everyone who helped and loved TL and her family every capacity.

TerriLyn, thanks to you most of all for being you - a beacon of brightness to all those who met you.

Love you,


Friday, September 10, 2010


soooooooo remember that one time i said i was going to tell you about my vlog? well this is that time. actually, its not because i'm super duper tired. however, i am posting my latest video for your enjoyment :)

more on the vlog to come tomorrow as well as my thoughts on Pride and Prejudice.


Monday, August 23, 2010

random thoughts and confessions

Did I ever tell you that I found two grey hairs on my head a couple weeks ago? Well guess what, it's not just two anymore. I have like a whole community of grey hairs in one little spot on my head. This spot just so happens to be where my mom has a streak of grey hair. When I called her practically in tears about it she was like "Oh yeah i started getting grey hair in my 20's too." Needless to say I was pretty pissed. Why wasn't I warned about this before? If turning 25 wasn't freaking me out enough lets add premature greying to it as well.

I didn't brush my hair before I left this morning. In fact, I still haven't brushed it. I wish I could say this was unusual but its not.

I hate getting ready.

My nephew informed me that I am going to hell if I don't get married.

Speaking in an Italian accent for a couple hours with a 12 year old is probably the most fun you will ever have.

I'm more afraid of turning 26 than 25 because it means that I will be older than my brother Nate will ever be. He will forever be stuck at 25 and it feels wrong for me to pass him, to go on living and aging when he isn't.

I wonder if there will be cake in Heaven. I sure hope so.

One of the biggest reasons I can't decide what degree I want is because I really just want to be a wife and mother.

I hope that whomever I marry can understand and hopefully relate to my undying love for all things Harry Potter. Someone who can share in my excitement of running around the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park like a kid on crack. An ADHD kid on crack. In a crack store.

Monday, August 16, 2010

not what i had expect

this is not the post i'd expected to do today. i had planned on telling you of my vacation, my new youtube channel and other things that i've been working on the last couple months since i last posted. however, i won't be talking about any of those things now, though they will be talked about at some point, no today will be more of an introspective post. things that have been accumulating in my mind recently or not so recently that i feel like i need to get out in the open. i can tell you now it's going to be long. and disjointed. i'm just writing this as stream of consciousness.

as i said before i went on vacation, last week in fact. my mom and i went to cedar city for the shakespearean festival last wednesday and returned home yesterday. it was amazing. so beautiful and relaxing. home away from home. however, our last full day there i started feeling a little melancholy. i thought perhaps it was because we would be returning home the next day and i was sad to leave the fun of the festival and all the beautiful plays and weather. however, as i was driving home, entered home, tried to go about my daily routine again the feelings of melancholy became even worse. i felt listless and depressed. i felt like i had returned to a life that did not feel like mine. i don't know how to describe it. prison comes to mind but its far too harsh a word. i guess you could say it felt more like a shell than anything.

this got me thinking. when you come home you're supposed to feel like you've come to your place of sanctuary. a place where you can relax and be at peace. one where you're comfortable. it didn't feel like this at all and i had no idea why. i love this home. but, i think that says it all right there, this home. not my home. i definitely consider this beautiful house my mom bought as her home even though i've lived here the exact amount of time she has. i've decorated (well, partially) my room exactly how i want it. all to make myself feel more at home. but i don't. i feel like i am living here as a guest. waiting. waiting for the next journey in my life to take me away. to take me where i'm really supposed to be.

this feeling of being a guest has nothing to do with my mom or the way she makes me feel here, if that makes any sense. it all has to do with my frame of mind. i am almost 25. twenty five. i don't feel it. yet i do. i feel like with all of life's experiences i have earned twenty five and should wear it proudly. however, i feel much too young on the inside to be 25. much too young. i think this is due in part to my bout with depression a few years ago. it started when i was just about to turn 21 or shortly after and it lasted for about a year. not too bad i would think. however, it's more the after effects that have caused me the most harm. the effects i am still trying to over come. and i'm pretty lousy at it if i say so myself.

i have always been the kind of person to err on the side of caution. well fear really. i have always let fear guide me because in many instances when i disregarded those fears and took control and made an effort, something bad would happen that would just confirm the reason why i had that fear in the first place. making friends is a perfect example of this. i have always been a shy person and have always had a hard time talking to new people. in seventh grade i decided that i really wanted to make friends so i decided to overcome my fear and started talking to a couple girls in one of my classes. we soon became friends and i would hang out with them on a fairly regular basis. i was invited to one of their birthday parties, a sleepover, where things went horribly wrong and i ended up sitting in front of the apartment complex in tears in the middle of the night waiting for my mom to come pick me up. needless to say we weren't friends after that. fast forward to when i was twenty. i was sitting next to a girl at a party and decided once again o overcome my fears and talk to her. we clicked immediately and soon became friends and roommates. i gained a lot of friends through her and was really happy. then tings started falling apart. we stopped being friends, i became depressed. things became very bad in the house and once our lease was up everyone jumped on the chance to move out. not only did i lose her friendship, but i lost of the friends i had made through her as well as my best friend who was like a sister.

i was alone. completely alone. not a friend in the world and so very very depressed. i felt that no one wanted me. that everyone around me was just putting on a show of concern because i knew, i just knew that in reality they wanted nothing more than to get as far away from as possible. just like my best friend did. i became overcome with fear. especially fear of people. because in my mind people will always leave me. my dad did. my brother did. my best friend/sister did when i needed her most. why wouldn't anyone else? especially since i'd become so vile. such a complete and utter nuisance to everyone around me. even myself.

i love people. and i fear people. how horrible is that? to love being around other human beings. to hear and learn from them. to spend time with them. yet i am afraid of their touch. afraid of getting close to them. afraid that they will hurt me like everyone else. and yet, afraid most of all of being alone.

i feel stuck. i feel like i am on the edge of a precipice. i know that i need to just let go and embrace what happens. i know that good will come out of it. but i'm so afraid. afraid of the unknown. afraid of change. mostly i'm afraid of opening myself up and giving myself to others. to the world. because it means that i can get hurt. that i will get hurt.

instead of making the choice to do it. to jump. i dream. i dream of life the way i want it. the way it would be if i was just strong enough to jump. i dream of the travels i'd have. of the friends i'd have. the home. the husband. the kids. the career. the body. everything. whole worlds in my mind full of happiness and a much better stronger me. and then i open my eyes and see this:

me. here. afraid.

what the hell have i done? why have i allowed my life to come to a complete stand still? and not for just a little while either. it's been 3 long years that i have been stagnant. always wishing and dreaming for something better but always being to afraid to do anything about it.

so today i decided to jump. what's the worst that can happen? really. the worst that can happen is whats already happened. i live my life in fear. alone. ever feeling part of something because i'm too afraid. too afraid to let people in. that's already done. its been done for three freaking years. i am not willing to let myself do it any longer. i will not let fear decide my life. i am going to take my life in my hands and make those dreams a reality because no one can hurt me as much as i have already by not moving forward. not jumping.

so, here's to taking that jump into the unknown. here's to facing your fears and knowing that you can overcome them and be the better for it.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

the time my nerdiness became extremely apparent

la cheryl: "Hmmm, I wonder where Rivendell is."
me: "Rivendell?!?"
la cheryl: "Yes, Rivendell."
me: "Rivendell is in Middle Earth."
la cheryl: "Middle Earth, huh? Well I'm sure it is but where in Middle Earth?"
me: "I don't know. But it's where Lord Elrond lives along with the other elves."
la cheryl: "......I said Riverdale."
me: "oh..."

(joe from around the corner): "Nnnnnneeeeeeerrrrrrrrddddd!"

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

sneak peak: my room

first and fore most these pictures suck, just so you know. my camera is still packed away somewhere so I had to make due with my cell's camera. secondly, and probably most importantly, i suck at taking pictures. for reals.

i did however think it would be a good idea to give ya'll a little taste of what my room will look like when i am finished decorating. whenever that may be

so enjoy and please, please remember that the colors are far more vibrant and awesomer than they look in the pics.


ps - my floor looks dirty because it is.
that is all.

Monday, May 17, 2010

i've fallen for a girl

a girl named blossom.
she's amazing.
and adorable.
a total love bug.
and lazy butt.
she loves to have her tummy rubbed.
and loves hide her bones in the back yard.
she also comes into my room at night
to give me bedtime hugs and kisses
before going back to her bed (aka the couch)
i love her muchos!


Saturday, April 10, 2010

a little of this. a little of that

Why hello there! How's it goin'?

Things are going well here. I'm moving. Did you know? Probably not cuz i haven't told you until now but yes, I am moving. Into a house. Which means... drum roll please.... i get a PUPPY!!!!!

Oh my gosh you seriously have no idea how excited I am about this! I cannot wait to be a dog owner. They are seriously amazing, loving, beautiful creatures and I cannot wait to have one. I'm feeling a little redundant. meh.

Oh did I mention that I get my own room? With four walls!?!? What? You think every room comes with four walls. Pffft, you are so, so, so wrong my dear. This is my current living situation:

images are not to scale. the rooms are MUCH smaller.
yes my paint skills are still that awesome.
don't be jealous.

Yeah, I only have 2 1/2 walls and, and the stairs are right in front of my bed. I have no privacy. None. Nada. Zilch. Ne rien. That's not such a good thing for someone who likes privacy. Which is why my moving into a bedroom with four walls is such an amazingly awesome thing.
Oh and did I mention that I finally get to paint/decorate it? am I excited for that! I don't want to give too much away about it but it will be full of wonderful vibrant colors.
I can't wait!!!

I think I might be allergic to gluten.
I'm not technically sure that I'm allergic to it because, well, that would require me to go to the doctor which is never going to happen. Not unless I'm dying. And even then you might have to drag me there. Anyway.... I did a mini experiment for a week and only ate something with wheat once a day and my oh my did it make a world of difference. I felt better. My tummy didn't hate me nearly as much and I lost some weight. Now I'm eating it again and my tummy is back to hating me on a very regular basis. So I'm thinking I might just drop wheat from my diet altogether like, soon because:
wheat+me=angry tummy

I told the guy I went on a date with a few weeks ago that I like him. via email. via facebook. Yes I know that was ridiculously lame of me but I am shy and I am horrible on the phone.
I haven't heard back from him and I sent it like ... 3 weeks ago I think. So I think it's safe to say it's a no go there.

I drove past our soon to be new house today to check on it. It looked pretty. I was about to pull over when I noticed the next door neighbors staring me down. Evidently they thought I was up to no good. I'm guessing they didn't see my totally awesome HP license plate or the rubber ducky sitting on my dash board. Or the fact that I was listening to a Sheri Dew talk.

Speaking of HP, I heard (read) the coolest pick up line the other day. If some guy used this on me I'd be his in a heart beat!

You must be a dementor cuz you take my breath away.

Ummm, can you say freaking awesome? I told it to my mom and she shook her head at me and called me a dork.

I bought and listened to the new Sheri L. Dew talk today
I strongly suggest you get this or download or something. It was truly inspirational and I believe could help every woman in the world today.


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

fb post of awesomeness

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Nathan David Grundvig

you died on March 30, 2000.

it snowed that day. i remember thinking how odd it was. the snow lying there several inches deep. the world was so still and quiet like it was waiting patiently for something big to happen. i remember feeling bad that it was snowing the day you had to leave the house. it was cold and you no longer had anywhere to stay.

we said our goodbyes on the door step. you going your way while mom took me to school. i soon forgot about your possible plight and the snow and went on about my day, excitedly telling everyone around me how glad I was that you were finally out of the house. out of my hair because you were making my life so difficult. you practically ruined the poster for my book report. yes it looked super cool but not at all what it was supposed to look like. nothing like the book. and you did it in pen. it was ruined. i was also finally had my alone time back which meant that I could watch tv and movies whenever i wanted to instead of feeling like i always had to entertain you. life was perfect now. life was back to normal, the way it should be.

school soon ended and i caught the school bus back home. all the snow from the early that morning had melted which made my walk from the bus stop to our apartment rather pleasant.

i remember coming up on our apartment and noticing that the trees weren't completely reflected in the glass door of our patio.

that's odd, i thought.

no matter, i was only a few moments away from home, ready to watch some tv and get ready for young women's later that night. i walked up the stairs to the front door, inserted my new house key since the locks had been changed. mom was worried that you'd break in since you "lost" the key lent to you. the door unlocked and i turned the handle. nothing.

weird, i thought to myself. mom's not here so the dead bolt cant be locked.

i banged on the door.

no one answered.

i banged on the door again.

no answer.

now i was worried. i walked back down the stairs and outside so I could see the patio door. yep, it was broken. someone had gotten into our house. you had broken in.

i walked over to the apartment offices to get a maintenance guy to come over. i was fuming. i knew it had to be you. only you would be selfish enough to ruin my day, my life by doing something like this. while waiting in the office i called my friend Krystal to say that i probably wasn't coming to YW tonight because of you, my stupid brother, who was yet again ruining my life. after a few minutes one of the managers came with me to the apartment. he was able to jump up onto the second story balcony and get in through the broken door. he came around front and unlocked the deadbolt for me to get inside.

he was worried about letting me, a kid of 14, walk around the house, search the rooms since the culprit could still be in there. i said not to worry, that it was only you. i checked the living room, kitchen, my room, the bathroom. i checked for signs of you. signs of you stealing our things to buy who knows what.

i came up to mom's room and turned the knob to open the door.

it didn't budge.

ha, i caught you, i thought, i've caught you red handed.

I tried pushing the door open all while the manager behind me was saying it might not be such a good idea. what if it wasn't you? i pushed, and pushed and pushed but only got the door to budge a few inches. not enough for me to poke my head through but enough so that i could see the right side of the room.

nate! i yelled. nate are you in there?

no answer.

i pushed again but the door would go no further. the manager decided to call the cops since there was obviously something in that back room. while he ran to the office i went behind the building to find your motorcycle. to make sure that it really was you. lo and behold there it was. staring me in the face.

i hated you. i hated you with every fiber of my being in that moment.

why? why were you doing this? i'm your baby sister dammit. i shouldn't have to go through this!

i walked back to the office with a huge ball of hatred burning in my chest. i called mom and told her what happened. she left work immediately saying that she'd call our brother adam. then i sat for a while. fuming.

when the police came i went outside to watch what was going on. they went into the apartment but couldn't get the door of the back room to open. they couldn't get any response from you.

the swat team was then called.

the day just got worse and worse. not only were you making me go through this but now i had to stand there and watch the whole swat team surround the apartment building with their rifles yelling for you to come out. with everyone in the complex around me.

watching. commenting. snickering.

could they not see me? sitting there on the ground balling my eyes out?

why couldn't you just come out?! this was getting way too out of control. don;t you know they might hurt you? why can;t you just stop all of this and come out of there?

after what felt like forever the swat team went into the apartment and broke into the back room. luckily a nice officer took pity on me during this and let me sit in his warm car. he got my mind off of things and told me that things would be fine. and i believed him. i knew that you wouldn't be hurt and that you'd be safe and that this horrid day would be behind us. and that's all that mattered right then.

while the officer was getting the low down on the events that had occurred thus far a detective came up to the car window and asked if you had tattoos.

yes, i said, he has several all over his body.

he asked if you had a sleeve. i said yes but i couldn't remember what arm it was on. was it the left or the right?

i wasn't sure. i was so tired and worn out from emotional ups and downs of the day that i couldn't think straight.

the detective left and then came back a few minutes later.

I'm sorry to tell you this, said he, but your brother has passed.

the officer looked at the detective, then at me.

oh, ok. well that's fine, he does that all the time.

they both looked at me for a moment, then at each other and then the detective walked away.

what does he do? asked the officer.

he passes out all the time. i found him passed out on the ground of our balcony not too long. he'll be fine soon. he always is.

after a few minutes the officer started asking me about school and my friends. we chatted for a while like this until mom arrived.

once mom was there the detective pulled us aside and told us you had passed.

this time i realized what he was saying.

mom started crying and i felt like i had had the air knocked out of me. i doubled over in pain and started crying too.

how could you be dead?

this wasn't happening.

it's not true. not you. you can;t be.

this can't be.

you can't be...

a note had been discovered. i believe it says how sorry you were about things that happened, things you did. at least, i think that's what most suicide notes say. honestly, i'm not sure what yours said. even to this day i have not been able to get enough courage to sit down and read it.

i prefer to think of the note you left that morning before the three of us walked out of the house. the note saying you loved us. i prefer to think of the hilarious dirty message you left for us on our voice mail several weeks before. doing one of your crazy women voices. a message that we left on our phone for several years.

it's been ten years since that day and even now, while i write this, i cannot even begin to tell you how much i miss you. my heart aches to have you back with us. i cringe at the thought of what my part in this may have been. yes, i know i was not at fault. i was 14. a stupid little 14 year old who could think of nothing but her own life. posters for her english class and watching tv. but sometimes i feel responsible. what if i hadn't told everyone at school that day that i was so glad to have you gone, out of my life? maybe if i hadn't done that you would still be here. was it my thinking, my own vanity that helped you make the choice to leave this earth? it wasn't. i know there wasn't anything i could do to stop you.

but sometimes it feels like i should have done more.

i wish you could have known at that time how much we all loved you. how much we all wanted you in our lives. i wish we had known the extent of what you were going through during that time. maybe we could have helped?

i just can't even begin to imagine the thoughts you had during that time, right before. and i wish so desperately that i could have told you how much i love you, my nanie.

luckily, i know that this is not the end. that there is life after this and that you are in a far better place. a place away from sorrow and heart ache. a place where i know we will be together again as a family. i cannot wait to see you, to hug you and hold you tight. and finally tell you how much you mean to me and that i love you.

to all those who may be reading this, i ask that you please take a moment to tell your friends and family and whoever else you want that you love them and do it as often as you can, no matter what may be going on in your life.


Friday, March 26, 2010


I've been in a really good mood lately. I've been hanging out with old friends and meeting new friends the past few weekends. I've been out having fun and living my life! How joyous is it to be living and enjoying your life? And I mean really, truly enjoy it. It's the bestest!

In celebration of life, love and happiness I would like to introduce you to the things I love.


i love...
our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ

i love...
holding hands

i love...


i love...


i love...


i love...

cloudy days

i love...


i love...

salt lake city

i love...


i love...


i love...


i love...



Wednesday, March 17, 2010

this has been a pretty tough week

Daylight savings time started. 'Nuff said.

I was exhaustified all day on Monday.

Tuesday was the day from hell. All the crazies decided to come out and play. And leave rude voicemails on my work phone.

Today I scratch my eye. It hurts. A lot.

So, I need a pick me up. Like this. Enjoy!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

sunday experience

One of my goals that I wrote for the new year was to be more active in church. I love the gospel. I love the meaning and direction it gives to my life. I love the happiness it brings to me. I love the freedom it gives me.

I however have not been attending at all this year... until today.

You see, this very strange thing happens to me every Sunday. It's like every time I wake up on Sunday every little insecurity I have ever had hits me with like, 10x the force it would on any other day. However, If i get ready for church it's like 100x worse and I end up lying in my bed crying because of how horrible i feel about myself. I change into and out of at least 5 outfits, feeling like every single one of them makes me look like I weigh 1,000lbs. I don't feel even remotely pretty enough to show my face anywhere - let alone church. So i end up huddling in my pajamas with a blanket wrapped around me on the couch hoping that no one comes over and sees the hideousness that is me.

This sort of thing isn't like me. Yes, I have my bad days where I'm not feeling as confident but never, ever, EVER to this extent. I can't even begin to describe how debilitating these thoughts are that I have on Sundays.


I miss church, I miss feeling the spirit and listening to the wonderful lessons and talks that are given. I know that satan tries to stop us from doing what we are supposed to do. So last night I decided that no matter how crappy I feel I am going to church.

And I did. I got ready this morning with the nagging sense in the back of my mind that I was too ugly to go. Too gross to be seen. I sat down on my bed before I left and prayed to Heavenly Father to give me the strength to go. The confidence to hold my head up high and and know that I am beautiful and loved and accepted. And to know that I belong at church.

I said my mantra on the drive to the ward house and while walking across the parking lot. When I got to the door I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and walked in.

Church was amazing. Never once did I have any feelings of inadequacy. I was filled with the spirit so many times throughout relief society, Sunday school and sacrament meetings. I felt good. I felt alive. And the best thing yet was that I was finally able to take the Sacrament. It's been close to a year since the last time I partook of the Sacrament. It's amazing how much I missed it.

This was such an amazing experience for me. One that truly testified of the power satan has. But even more so, the power that our Heavenly Father has to vanquish any fears that we may posses. He is all knowing and all powerful. And he loves us.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

oh so you are alive

It's true, I am still amongst the living. I know you all were so very worried about me :0)
What have I been doing you ask?
Well now, lets see...

The Olympics have been on and I do love me some Olympics.
It pretty much rules my life and everyone around me simply because no one has access to the TV at night.
Needless to say my mom was very happy when they ended.
I however was not :0(

My love is speedskating and short track though I have become quite a fan of snowboarding after Shawn White's truly amazing run!

Apolo Ohno = awesomesexymanmanofawesomeness


I bought a new phone.
It's a blackberry.
Not too sure if I like it yet.
I miss my google phone even though it was craptastic.


I saw my niece perform in her school play twice. They did scenes from several of Shakespeare's plays and sonnets.

Gabby has some serious talent!! Man I love that girl!
*I apologize for the crappy camera work*

She's not in this one but I love it anyway!


painting by Doug Hyde

I went on my first date in like a bagillion years.
It was good.
I had fun but I felt super awkward.
I usually feel super awkward around people though so it shouldn't have been a big deal.
but it was.
I liked him.
A lot more than I wanted to.
Not that he's a bad guy, cuz he's not. not even close.
But just cuz it's my first time back in the swing of things after a ridiculously long hiatus.
But yeah. I liked him.
Don't know if he liked me though.


Oh the winner of the giveaway was Ellen who just happened to set me up with my date.
I believe she and her hubby enjoyed the cookies immensely.
Hey Ellen?
You're welcome :0)


I splurged and bought these. I love them so much it's not even funny.


I found my dream wedding dress.
Why was I looking at wedding dresses?
Because that's what I do when I get bored.
I plan my dream wedding.
And no that is not weird.
Or crazy.

Isn't it gorgeous?
I swoon every time I see it.

Dress made by Bridal Bliss Designs


I wanted to murder an employee who fell asleep during training. Twice.
And then blame it on me when I confronted her about it.
I didn't though.
I let her go instead.


I volunteered at the homeless shelter for the first time on Friday.
It was a lot of fun actually.
Very humbling and moving experience.
I loved it!
Except when that guy came up to me and smelled me. Not once, but twice.


The bane of my existence this past week has been this:

Its a baby blanket I've been working on for my friend Susie whose having a baby.
I know it's not the best blanket ever made.
Mainly because I only know two crochet stitches.
And I haven't crocheted a single thing for the past year.
And it's only the second blanket I've ever made. But it's the thought that counts right?
So yeah.
I'm never going to make a blanket again.
Until I do.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

life is like a box of chocolates... never know what you're gonna get.

True that Forrest. True that.

Today while at work I started thinking about how I'm going to be turning 25 this year. Well, I think about it a lot actually. It's not that I think 25 is old, because I don't. It's just that I don't feel like I should be 25.

I was trying to explain this to my co-worker La Cheryl over our joint cubicle wall when suddenly I was bombarded with tons of IM's and shouts from people around the office threatening me with bodily harm for thinking 25 was old (I never said that, just so you know). I vowed to all of them that I would never have a conversation in the office again if this was the result. Then we all laughed. My ploy worked :0)

Anyway, what I mean by all of this is that I had planned to be at a completely different place in my life when the big 25 hit. I had a 10 year plan darn it! It was a very nice plan that I really, really, really wanted to happen.

According to my plan, I should have been married for 4+ years by now, having finished school with a double major in History and French and a masters in Education. I should be teaching High School students right now. Wowing them with my knowledge of Medieval History and instilling a love of the French language in them just like my French teacher in high school did with me. I should be newly pregnant or at least trying to get pregnant with my first little baby. I should be planning a beautiful life with my growing family.

That ladies and gents is what my life should be like... if plans work the way they're supposed to.

Life however doesn't adhere to plans. Unless of course it's God's plan.

No matter how much I crave that little baby right now or wish for the comfort of a forever love I know that right now, this is where I'm supposed to be. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on before I'll be ready for the gifts that Heavenly Father has in store for me. I am so thankful to Him for knowing me better than I know myself.

I'm sure most of you don't know this but I was engaged when I was 18. I was head over heels in love with this man and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was willing to do anything, and I mean anything, to be with him. And I did. I changed who I was. I changed my values for him because he came from a different world. He came from a different lifestyle that he didn't want to give up for me. So I gave up myself for him.

The Spirit told me that I shouldn't be with him. Every single time I saw or spoke to him I always got the clear command "No, don't do this. You should not be doing this".

"Pffft", I thought back, "how do you know what I should be doing? (stupid, I know) I love him. We have such a strong connection and have since the beginning. How could this not be right?"

Luckily, I had a Heavenly Father who cared more about me and my well being than I did. The relationship soon ended. I was crushed but eventually came to the realization that my life would have been horrible had the relationship continued. I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I am for that divine intervention because, even though I'm not where I wanted to be at this age, I know I am where I'm supposed to be.

I am happy.

I have lived a good life thus far.

A life that I wouldn't trade for the world.

So, even though you never know what you're gonna get with life, at least you know it's gonna be good!

Yeah that was cheesy... yet awesome.


Have I mentioned how baby hungry I am? Yeah, it's getting pretty ridiculous. I wish I lived near more people with babies. Then I could just steal a few for a while like Alexa did.

Tomorrow is the deadline to win some cookies made by yours truly. Just post a comment!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

"I forgot, you're stupid"

I deal with a lot of stupid people.
I know that sounds mean and maybe it is.
Maybe these people are just having stupid moments.
Heaven knows I've had mine but with the sheer number of stupid questions that come in day after day after day it's really hard not to think that people are generally just stupid.

I had terrifyingly stupid moment once.
It's something that I try to forget about just because of how stupid it really was.
Unfortunately, I was reminded of it on Friday when I went to take my car in for it's emissions and safety inspection...

It was a cold day in March of 2009, my car was dead because the battery was so old that the plug thingies (yes, that is the technical term) that hooked onto the battery had corroded and broke into several different pieces. Obviously I couldn't drive my car so I took the day off to have a tow truck take my car to my local dealership to get it fixed.
My mom had left me her car so that I could run errands while my car was being worked on. My appointment was early in the morning, I believe 8 or 8:30 which meant I was in my pajamas. Why? Because I am very fond of them and take a great deal of delight in wearing them, especially on days when I would otherwise be wearing slacks, heels and a button up shirt.
Moving on...
I rode with the tow truck over to the dealership, I checked my car in, left my keys with the office guy and caught a ride back home with one of their shuttle vans. When I was getting out of the van I told the guy not to bother coming back for me since my mom was going to take me once she got off work. As I watched the guy drive off I realized that I had left my keys with the office guy. Not just my car keys but my house keys and my mom's car keys. I also realized that we still hadn't decided on a hiding place for a spare set of house keys.
I was locked out of my house.
In the cold.
In my pajamas.
I called my mom who laughed at me.
Not just laughed but guffawed... for a really long time.
I called my brother who also laughed and told me I was "smart".
After his laughter subsided a little I asked him if there was anyway he or his wife TL could pick me up and take me to mom's work to get her spare set of keys. He asked me why I couldn't just walk there (it's about a mile from our house) and I told him I felt embarrassed walking downtown in my pajamas.
He laughed even more.
I tried not to cry because I felt so so SO stupid.
Especially when everyone was laughing at me.
Then I called my mom's visiting teacher who laughed just a little and said she'd be by to pick me up in a few minutes. I was so grateful to her. Not just because she picked me up but because she didn't laugh at me, at least not when I was within hearing distance.

Now that, ladies and gents is my big stupid moment. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing, but who cares, right?

Don't forget to to leave a comment in order to win some cookies!!!!
The giveaway ends on Thursday at 7:00 PM mountain time.


In retrospect I realized that I could have saved all of that humiliation if I had simply called the dealership and had them come pick me up again.

Evidently the baby picture of my mom in the previous post really isn't my mom. It's a picture of one of her friends from High School. I told her I was leaving on here until she gave me one of her. That was 3 days ago. I don't think she cares too much.

Friday, February 5, 2010

mudder, it's your birthday


You're going to kill me after this especially since I'm posting pictures of you which you have told me several times not to do. Ever. I'd like to take this moment to apologize to you and to remind you that all this was done out of love. Hopefully, that information will persuade you from doing any harm to my being that would result in death. Maiming I can get over, death however not so much...

I wanted to do an ode or a limerick about you but I will leave that to my much more talented and witty brother. With him around I just can't compete.

Oh mudder pie, it is your birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Quite frankly I have no idea where to start when it come to you. I mean that in a good way. really.

You are a truly amazing woman.

Your life has been one big roller coaster ride. Many ups, many downs and yet you're still a happy, funny, loving person. I'm in awe of you and the woman and mother you are.

I know it was hard, raising three kids by yourself. Heaven knows we were a handful. Well, Nate and Adam were, I was an angel :0) didn't by that huh? damnit....

But you truly did an amazing job raising us. I don't think I have one bad memory from my childhood. never any fights or arguments. Never any time when I felt that I wasn't loved 110%. The older I get the more I realize how blessed I was to be born into this family. To have you as my mother, my best friend. You always allowed us the freedom to be ourselves, to make our own decisions. To discover ourselves. I can't even begin to tell yo how grateful I am for you allowing me the freedom to live and experience life. And, more importantly, to always know that you were right there with me to help whenever needed.

Like I said, you are an amazing woman.

Growing up I always felt like I had the best mom, partially because my friends would tell me exactly that but also because you would point out hot guys to me and then we'd giggle while delighting in their hotness. I mean seriously, how many mothers would do that with their teenage daughter?!

I am also thankful that you never made good on all your threats to kill me, especially when I told that embarrassing story about you to the whole ward on mother's day. You know, the story about how we went camping that one time and I woke up in the middle of the night because I thought I heard a bear roaring and then found out it was just you snoring. Yeah that story. That was funny.

Or how about that one time when I was adamant (extremely adamant) that Southtowne mall was on 90th south and you were like "Oh no it isn't" and I was like "Oh yes it is" and it went on for a while like this until I got really angry and stopped talking to you. Do you remember when I came back a couple weeks later with my head hung down in shame to tell you that you were right and I was wrong. How I had gotten off at the 90th south exit and became lost because Southtowne is actually at the 106th south exit just like you said. You remember how you didn't say "I told you so"? Yeah that just shows how awesome you are. Even though you did have the "I told you so" smirk on your face at least you didn't say the words.

Do you remember all those hundreds and thousands of times we've laughed non stop at the stupidest things? So much fun. So so so much fun!

Here's to you mudder, on your 58th birthday. Hope you like your surprise tonight. I will be taking pictures. Sorry. Don't say I didn't warn you.



Wednesday, February 3, 2010

it's a giveaway!!!

I decided to do a give away because I am in the mood to bake some cookies!
Up for grab are some very muchos delicious chewy white chocolate coconut cookies.
They're good. Like, seriously good!
Don't believe me?
They're so good that Mr. Handsome himself ate like two dozen of them!
True story.

How can you win batch of these delightfully delicious cookies?

Just post a funny/interesting/embarrassing story or factoid about yourself in the comments section! No need to be a follower, this is open to anyone and everyone (so tell your friends!)


Story: My very first date was with a senior at school who I was like, literally Dinner had gone really well (we all got kids meals) and there were no awkward moments between any of us. We had planned to go to a movie but that fell through so instead we decided to go cosmic (black light) bowling. The place was jam packed so we had to wait a few minutes for a lane to open up. While waiting I notice that everyone who walked past us kept giving me really weird looks. I had no idea what was going on so my friend Rainy and I went to the bathroom. While in the bathroom I couldn't see anything wrong with my face, hair, clothes nothing. Weird, right? We walked out of the well lit bathroom back into the black lights where again, people immediately started giving me weird looks. I looked down and lo and behold my bra was glowing through my shirt. Every single detail of the pattern was fully visible for the world (and my date) to see.

Factoid: My eyes were bright blue like the rest of my family until I was 12 when they changed to green. My eyes will change from one color to the other on a regular basis but will normally stay some sort of green unless I get really angry or sad. If that happens then they go straight back to blue.

Giveaway ends Thursday 2/11 at 7:00 PM mountain time.