Wednesday, November 4, 2009

the sad, life is horribly sucky post

my life has been really difficult lately. ok scratch that. not difficult per se, more like craptastic. as you all know from my previous post i had a little issue with my jaw moving where it was never intended it to go. that sucked. then i had my birthday which i cried through because of my jaw and those pesky things called hormones. then the next day i went to LA for a 5 day business trip where i worked 14 hours a day and got sick. yes that's right. as if my life had already sucked enough lets add a runny nose, chest congestion, sneezing, sore ears and throat and sinus pressure to the mix. when i got home i stayed in bed for three days and then went on another business trip to Minneapolis for four days. i was finally starting to feel better the day i left and then the day before i came home i started a hacking, wheezing cough, fever, chills and more chest congestion. i went to work and felt like i was going to die so i decided to stay home yesterday and went to the doctor in case i needed to be put down or at the very least quarantined. the doctor came into the room where i was patiently waiting for him and asked about my symptoms and took a swab of my nose for the h1n1 test. he then turned around and asked if my primary care physician had ever mentioned having the lap band procedure done. i said no and he said that i needed to ask my doctor about it because it's helped so many people lose hundreds of pounds. he then began telling me that he thinks the cough is because of "all the extra weight being placed on my chest". needless to say i was speechless, hurt, angry, murderess and, most of all, humiliated. i just couldn't believe that he felt the need to suggest that i have a major surgery done. yes, i know i'm fat but was it really his place to suggest something like this? especially since i was seeing him because i was sick? i just don't understand why/how he could think that the "extra pressure" on my chest could cause my to have flu like symptoms. bloody hell i'd been sick for a week and half, it's not like i gained this weight in a week a half. and i highly doubt that being fat could cause you to have a runny and stuffy nose. what a dick head. seriously. unfortunately, i couldn't say anything to him or ask him why the eff he felt the need to "discuss" it. all i could do was give him my best if-you-say-another-word-i-will-murder-you look. i don't think it worked very well. i left a few minutes later with a prescription for flu medication and antibiotics "just in case" my being sick wasn't caused by fatness. i cannot even begin to explain to you how horrid and disgusting i felt and still feel about me. i didn't feel like going home (i hate letting people see me cry) so i decided to go for a drive to clear my head and hopefully calm down. I ended up at the draper temple and just sat there for a while listening to the motab and crying and pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father. I still feel like the worst person ever today but i do think that my little trip to the temple and my prayer helped calm me. I was actually able to fall asleep last night rather than stay up crying the entire time like i normally would have done.

i don't what this all means. it's just what i'm going through right now.