not what i had expect

this is not the post i'd expected to do today. i had planned on telling you of my vacation, my new youtube channel and other things that i've been working on the last couple months since i last posted. however, i won't be talking about any of those things now, though they will be talked about at some point, no today will be more of an introspective post. things that have been accumulating in my mind recently or not so recently that i feel like i need to get out in the open. i can tell you now it's going to be long. and disjointed. i'm just writing this as stream of consciousness.

as i said before i went on vacation, last week in fact. my mom and i went to cedar city for the shakespearean festival last wednesday and returned home yesterday. it was amazing. so beautiful and relaxing. home away from home. however, our last full day there i started feeling a little melancholy. i thought perhaps it was because we would be returning home the next day and i was sad to leave the fun of the festival and all the beautiful plays and weather. however, as i was driving home, entered home, tried to go about my daily routine again the feelings of melancholy became even worse. i felt listless and depressed. i felt like i had returned to a life that did not feel like mine. i don't know how to describe it. prison comes to mind but its far too harsh a word. i guess you could say it felt more like a shell than anything.

this got me thinking. when you come home you're supposed to feel like you've come to your place of sanctuary. a place where you can relax and be at peace. one where you're comfortable. it didn't feel like this at all and i had no idea why. i love this home. but, i think that says it all right there, this home. not my home. i definitely consider this beautiful house my mom bought as her home even though i've lived here the exact amount of time she has. i've decorated (well, partially) my room exactly how i want it. all to make myself feel more at home. but i don't. i feel like i am living here as a guest. waiting. waiting for the next journey in my life to take me away. to take me where i'm really supposed to be.

this feeling of being a guest has nothing to do with my mom or the way she makes me feel here, if that makes any sense. it all has to do with my frame of mind. i am almost 25. twenty five. i don't feel it. yet i do. i feel like with all of life's experiences i have earned twenty five and should wear it proudly. however, i feel much too young on the inside to be 25. much too young. i think this is due in part to my bout with depression a few years ago. it started when i was just about to turn 21 or shortly after and it lasted for about a year. not too bad i would think. however, it's more the after effects that have caused me the most harm. the effects i am still trying to over come. and i'm pretty lousy at it if i say so myself.

i have always been the kind of person to err on the side of caution. well fear really. i have always let fear guide me because in many instances when i disregarded those fears and took control and made an effort, something bad would happen that would just confirm the reason why i had that fear in the first place. making friends is a perfect example of this. i have always been a shy person and have always had a hard time talking to new people. in seventh grade i decided that i really wanted to make friends so i decided to overcome my fear and started talking to a couple girls in one of my classes. we soon became friends and i would hang out with them on a fairly regular basis. i was invited to one of their birthday parties, a sleepover, where things went horribly wrong and i ended up sitting in front of the apartment complex in tears in the middle of the night waiting for my mom to come pick me up. needless to say we weren't friends after that. fast forward to when i was twenty. i was sitting next to a girl at a party and decided once again o overcome my fears and talk to her. we clicked immediately and soon became friends and roommates. i gained a lot of friends through her and was really happy. then tings started falling apart. we stopped being friends, i became depressed. things became very bad in the house and once our lease was up everyone jumped on the chance to move out. not only did i lose her friendship, but i lost of the friends i had made through her as well as my best friend who was like a sister.

i was alone. completely alone. not a friend in the world and so very very depressed. i felt that no one wanted me. that everyone around me was just putting on a show of concern because i knew, i just knew that in reality they wanted nothing more than to get as far away from as possible. just like my best friend did. i became overcome with fear. especially fear of people. because in my mind people will always leave me. my dad did. my brother did. my best friend/sister did when i needed her most. why wouldn't anyone else? especially since i'd become so vile. such a complete and utter nuisance to everyone around me. even myself.

i love people. and i fear people. how horrible is that? to love being around other human beings. to hear and learn from them. to spend time with them. yet i am afraid of their touch. afraid of getting close to them. afraid that they will hurt me like everyone else. and yet, afraid most of all of being alone.

i feel stuck. i feel like i am on the edge of a precipice. i know that i need to just let go and embrace what happens. i know that good will come out of it. but i'm so afraid. afraid of the unknown. afraid of change. mostly i'm afraid of opening myself up and giving myself to others. to the world. because it means that i can get hurt. that i will get hurt.

instead of making the choice to do it. to jump. i dream. i dream of life the way i want it. the way it would be if i was just strong enough to jump. i dream of the travels i'd have. of the friends i'd have. the home. the husband. the kids. the career. the body. everything. whole worlds in my mind full of happiness and a much better stronger me. and then i open my eyes and see this:

me. here. afraid.

what the hell have i done? why have i allowed my life to come to a complete stand still? and not for just a little while either. it's been 3 long years that i have been stagnant. always wishing and dreaming for something better but always being to afraid to do anything about it.

so today i decided to jump. what's the worst that can happen? really. the worst that can happen is whats already happened. i live my life in fear. alone. ever feeling part of something because i'm too afraid. too afraid to let people in. that's already done. its been done for three freaking years. i am not willing to let myself do it any longer. i will not let fear decide my life. i am going to take my life in my hands and make those dreams a reality because no one can hurt me as much as i have already by not moving forward. not jumping.

so, here's to taking that jump into the unknown. here's to facing your fears and knowing that you can overcome them and be the better for it.